Please bring back the old me, who is so rajin to write online.
Well, I kinda busy with school stuffs, people. I didn't even imagine to have this kind of schedule. It was tough to catch up everything.
And it was tough to be a good student and a good friend.
This is going to be an emotional confession. Beware.
So basically I have this one jawatan which is to keep on eye my same aged friends. And if there are problems, I need to guide them to be better. And if there are no progress, I needed to make a report to the teachers. And yea, using some common senses, who would befriend with me? I mean, we wouldn't show our mistakes to those fellows. Right?
The differences on how they treated me last year and now are just too obvious. They wouldn't mind talked about their crush or bring phones illegally to school in front of me. But now? They even blocked me on social medias. They started to see me as a stranger. Yea I know you guys must be like "So what? Chill la.".
To be really honest, it's hurt. I'm hurt inside. I may be a crybaby because everytime, when we talked about our problems, I would cry. It just unstoppable. I will cry if I feel disappointed, angry and sad in the same time.
Girl, how strong you may see in her outside but she is still a soft hearted inside.
As for me, I am harsh with people especially guys and the first thought they will make is that I am sombong. These all happened because first, I am introvert. Second, there was an incident that made me changed drastically. I have that phobia. I was a nice person to strangers before honestly. Besides that, I am really disciplined while working. Some people hate that.
So it was hard, man. Hard. Advising people is already like separuh nyawa.
Disrespectful, hypocrite and not helpful. I need to fight these too.
Going through all these stuffs is just like fighting mentally. Trust me, it is not that easy.
I don't know if you understand this or not but the thoughts that have been playing around in mind recently are "Will I even succeed in holding this big responsibility?" "Will it makes changes to the people?" "Am I good enough?".
I've been stressing out and having a really low self-esteem right now. I blamed myself a lot. Thus there are minimum supports from people around me is making things worse. I am busy with all these works (there are more than this) and having a not good result in examination, made them lost their trust on me.
They told me to stop. Stop all of these and focus on my study. Stop wasting my time on these.
Well, yea that's hurt too.
But you know what? I'm not giving up. I know that He is there. Thus these all happened because of me.
I will change their minds and will change myself.
"I can do it." should be framed inside my mind.
I am receiving the positive vibes! InsyaAllah I will be a better person.